Lost Nirvana (poem)

Pirouetting from snare to cymbal,

like my baby Joni in her recital.

My silk blue jacket

brighter than Belle’s eyes

the first time I saw her. 

Caressing the hi-hats softly,

I swing from tom to tom,

my butt indenting a capital M

into the leather stool.

Jay on the keys,

dressed in a full suit and tie, 

kills it on the opening note of “Alright Rough Night.”

Lou, 

a note late per usual,

sings impatiently.

Phil is draped in khaki,

a brilliant bass player back in the day,

has lost his mark and tune.

Murmuring the lyrics,

I convince myself

“I’m in the zone.”

No matter how hard I try,

it’s not easy–

A drummer 

in a washed up band,

What's worse? 

At the hospital, Belle’s 

double shift just started,

cause I’m not cutting it,

and Joni hasn’t looked 

at me the same 

since I left for this lousy tour.

I want to go home,

or at least get away–

the break my back deserves. 

Here comes my big moment.

I reach for the brushes,

the ace up my sleeve,

and high-five every instrument until I find a home.

I pass the beat back to Lou,

watch dust swim on the snare,

but all I’m thinking is getting back

to my family at home.

Jay nods and snaps 

to capture my attention.

But I’m elsewhere.

Sitting in my La-Z-Boy

in the wood-paneled living room,

reading the New York Times

with Belle across from me,

knitting a turquoise scarf,

The Beatles’ “In My Life” ringing from the speakers.

Our song.

I’ve been else

where since “Maybe Today,”

the first song on the set list.

Phil drops his pick

and his solo crumbles.

Is this who we are?  

I once thought drumming 

could alleviate the pain

of a broken band.

Belle knew it,

and now I know.

Trying to keep tempo,

I break into a solo.

But before I receive any satisfaction,

my sticks slip 

out of my careless grip.

My eyes break open,

to a band of foes.

No Belle or Joni,

just a mass of hipsters

who don’t know me.

I no longer know myself.

A drunkard in the crowd yells,

“Get off the stage.”

I realize 

that’s what I’ve needed

all along.